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A Bitter Mothers Day

Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love my child more than my own life. I’m proud to be a mother and so happy to have been able to decide to become a mother in my own time. On my own God given path. I’m so blessed that I birthed a child who was planned and wanted and already loved far before meeting them.

But this first Mother’s Day is bitter sweet for me, nearly painful. I sacrificed a lot for my son. It’s been almost a year since I saw that positive pregnancy test, and in the last year I have had more mental and physical health issues than I ever have. I’ve had anxiety, panic attacks, pelvic dysfunction, gallbladder flares and removal, even liver failure. I’ve had days of pain and days of darkness.

For the majority of my pregnancy and motherhood journey I have felt as though my body, mind and soul have been violated and used. And I am aware that this is what I signed up for when I decided to actively try to become a momma. But I feel pretty certain that this is my only child. I don’t want to feel violated and held captive again.

I don’t want to be not in control of my own body ever again. I want to be able to consent and feel as though I’m in control of my God given vessel. So to hear that I may become pregnant again and not have options available to me makes me feel sick. It’s made me realize that the mother is the sacrificial lamb. It’s the person who will always sacrifice.

My vessel, will forever be changed and permanently different from the sacrifice I made for my son. But with that being said, I can not make the same sacrifice again. I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness and health again. If that makes me selfish, so be it.

I will forever be an example to my child of what self preservation looks like. What caring for yourself looks like. What loving yourself is and how important it is to make your own choices. I will teach him about privacy and what consent means. I will teach him about human rights.

If someone asks me what I want for mother day it’s human rights. My right to choose. My right to my body. And the right to reproductive health privacy. My choice will always be for self preservation in order to be the best human I can be for the child I’m raising and the family whom depend on me. And no one should be able to take away that right.

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

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