Hello Blog followers. I apologize for being MIA for the past 7 weeks. I decided during this time to really take some time to myself and try to stay focused on my schooling. I didn’t realize how long it been since I made a blog post. So I thought I would type up a quick post just to update you all on how I’ve been doing. As you may already know, my blog tends to be a place of positivity. I try my best to always have a positive end to a story or thought, but during the past couple of weeks, that positive ending has been hard for me to curate. Therefore, I warn you, dear reader, that this post may be on the lower end of the positivity scale.
Loss. I have so much and am so so blessed. When I wrote my last post I had everything I wanted and had worked so hard for. I was busy and so happy to be. I, of course, missed my dog and wished for a day at home but woke up everyday with a mission and excited to be where I was. The day I found out my semester would be finished out online was the day I realized how much this pandemic would affect me. The day I found out that my research would have to be put on hold was the first day I felt like crying. And the day I realized the uncertainty of everything was the day I really began to process through the loss.
I had always lived with the mindset that loss was always around the corner. This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve felt loss and I know it won’t be the last but I do feel like this is one of the most shocking and unexpected occurrences. One day we are discussing research participant numbers, and the next day we are questioning whether or not we will even have a study to submit. One day we are in class laughing at a professor’s corny joke, and the next day we are listening to our professor apologize for not having the same energy in an online lecture. One moment you are enjoy the company of friends, and the next you are wishing you could have gotten one extra hug. It is such a shocking thing to have your life put on hold. It is such a sad feeling to think of the time that you can’t buy back during this time. Graduations, birthdays, academic events, baseball games, and so much more, gone. And the feeling of loss tends to overwhelm me often. Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing what to hope for. And not having my purpose outlined at the beginning of the day. Its a difficult time for me.
But its has also been a time of growth. On March 20th I made the choice to sign-off and have remained that way since. Even now, as I write this, I will be asking my family members to post it on social media for me. No Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. None of it. As I felt the loss closing in, I also felt the overwhelming feeling of information overload. The misinformation on Facebook spreading like wildfire, people sharing what they think about the situation, and what you “should” do. The news bombarding me with projections and predictions. And my main part-time work in healthcare throwing one new policy change after another at me. Everyone’s voices can not be heard all at once. And it was time for me to sign off. I will get back on when I feel safe to do so but for now I’m limiting my information to work, school, and the 30 mins of ABC nightly news. I am learning that not every moment needs to be shared and not every opinion needs to be voiced and not every voice needs to be heard. Sometimes you have to make the conscious decision to listen to the voices most important and beneficial to you.
The voices who have been heard have been the wonderful family members who have supported me during this time. It has been the friends I’ve called in need of comfort. It has been the time spent on Zoom with my wonderful professors and SU family. And it has been the time I’ve spent falling deeply in love with new and old music. And lastly, I have found that despite the difficulties I have faced and am still facing during this pandemic its the moments in which I stand in silence on my back deck, and watch the sunset, or look up at look at the stars, that gives me the light I need in the darkness.