It's been over a year since I posted to my blog here. I have backlogged blogs that I wrote but never posted. I have half finished poetry collections, and so much more that I never shared. I’ve missed posting and sharing, but I was too entrenched in the fog to want to share. The fog that envelops you when you are unwell, and not in a good space. That fog had been most of 2021 for me. I remember feeling that everything I wrote was too negative to post. People love to come here and hear of my stories of success, and overcoming obstacles and healing from illness. But when you are in the midst of a journey, in the middle of heartache, it's incredibly hard to share because there is no way of knowing what the end will look like, or if the end is one of inspiration. Therefore, everything I produced and wrote between May 2021 and December of 2021 was incredibly entrenched with the darkness.
At first I was ashamed, but now I have fully embraced it, and would like to come out to the public. For me, pregnancy was some of the darkest months of my life. There was not much joy, or happiness. There wasn’t a euphoric dream of what was to come. There was nothing that was enjoyable about pregnancy. There were so many feelings during my pregnancy of inadequacy, and questioning of why I was the one to feel so alone. I had overcome COVID for the most part and I was excited and ready to start on the journey of motherhood, and then Memorial day weekend of 2021 I found myself in the ER at six weeks pregnant with the fear that I may not survive this journey before it had even really begun. I know it sounds dramatic, and looking back on the entire pregnancy I honestly want to laugh because it really was the most insane ordeal, but during the pregnancy it was scary, lonely, painful, and overall an incredibly humbling experience.
I think I’m finally ready, four months postpartum, to write about it and share. But I would also like this series to be an educational one. I hope to provide a look into the modern American maternal healthcare system. A look into what it was like to give birth during a pandemic. And a look into the challenges women face across the country during their pregnancy and birthing experiences. I hope that through sharing my story along with educational resources it can make some women feel a little less alone. That it can also help women advocate for themselves and ask their care team questions. I hope it gives men some perspective as well. I feel like the conversation of pregnancy and birth is still so taboo. There were so many twists and turns in my experience that I never even heard could occur in pregnancy that I wish my own village had warned me about. Now that the child I grew (WILD) is here, I do understand why so many mothers and women see pregnancy with rose colored tinted glasses on. But I’m going to try my best to keep this series honest and raw. I hope to break down the taboo. I hope by sharing that I can let go of the shame and guilt I carry surrounding not enjoying my pregnancy, and that we can all become more compassionate towards women. Here's a preview of what to come:
The stick and my missing emotions: Part 1
I'm pregnant, but where's the joy?
Lack of access to maternal healthcare services
The sickness: Part 2
How is it possible to be this sick?
Hyperemesis and ER visits in pregnancy
Tennessee blues: Part 3
Why the wheelchair?
Prenatal depression and anxiety
The anticipation of energy: Part 4
Where's the energy?
Weakness and exhaustion
The engulfment of fear: Part 5
The ultrasound from hell.
Cholestasis and fetal medicine doctors
The Fanfare for the common man: Part 6
The birth of my son.
Birth and rural healthcare