As I entered my second trimester I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for the exhaustion to subside. I was anticipating energy, and a decrease in constantly being sick. What I had heard from so many women is that the second trimester would bring a boost in energy, a decrease in sickness, and that it would be my best trimester. Now I have to admit that looking back on everything this kind of did happen, but I at the time was unable to register it really.
You see I didn't feel this huge increase in energy, and I certainly did not stop getting sick. I think what happened was I just began to get used to it. Used to constantly feeling like crap, and I was now realizing that we were getting closer to the finish line. I also changed my mindset about everything and was beginning to feel a little less weak and a little more strong on this journey called pregnancy. The first trimester truly was the worst because everything was so uncertain, and I felt like I was rotting from the inside out. But my second trimester started right as I was going back to school for one more semester of undergrad and all of the sudden, a finish line that was so far felt closer. I remember thinking if I could survive the first trimester I could survive the second and the third. If I could be in college for five years, then I could survive one more semester. If I can take it one day at a time then I can survive.
The anticipation I had for energy was instead switched. I gained energy from the anticipation. The thought of being able to be a college graduate and the thought of being able to take home a baby both drove me and propelled me forward. I was physically so weak and exhausted the entire time I was pregnant, mainly from not getting enough to drink or eat ever, but also because my body was doing the incredible work of growing a human. During this time, I remember having these waves come of excitement for the future and sadness for the loss of my physical health. During this time there was a lot of anxiety but also pure thankfulness for all that I had and all that my body was doing. It was true. And I learned that both can exist at the same time. You can hate being pregnant, and feel awful while also being incredibly grateful for the pregnancy and child you were growing. During this time, I began to buy things, like a crib and swing.
I got to have a few days where I felt at least a little better. I got to have days where I cried happy tears and days where I cried sad tears. But what I learned is that excitement and anticipation are so necessary to keep going on the hard days. Always having something to work towards and look forward to can sometimes give you the energy and strength you never thought you had. I also learned how to pull myself up, even when detached, and uninterested. It was a special couple of months, it truly was. I will never forget it.