This is supposed to be the introduction to my postpartum journey, yet I find myself wanting to write about something completely different and yet the same.
I think what I was not prepared for was how emotional, and stressful my postpartum year would be. I am currently dealing with a lot of stress, and I think the gut punch feeling that I thought had finally left me has returned. It’s almost triggering after having gone through the first year of my son’s life with a similar depth of stress and anxiety.
My first year of life with my son, was life turned upside down. For the first time in my life, I was truly experiencing what it meant to be responsible for someone. What it would mean to keep this tiny human alive and serve only him. I felt anxious, scared, and very very stressed. The lack of sleep wasn’t because my baby didn’t sleep, it was because I couldn’t. And all of this went on while I was surrounded by family and friends. I don’t know why we feel so alone in this country, but I felt alone in the upside down. I felt isolated.
My first year of life with my son was love turned right side up. For the first time in my life, I understood truly what it is to love unashamed, unconditionally. This human could do no wrong. This human I knew from first sight that I’d love him wholly forever, no matter what. I remember thinking, “I wonder if a murders mother still loves him”. The answer is yes. I don’t know what my sons’ future holds, but I know I’ll always love him, even if it becomes difficult. It’s wild how deeply the love goes. I wish I could say I had felt it before having my son, but even a nine-year love doesn’t compare, (sorry babes). I felt whole, overwhelmed in the upright of love.
The year would be this. It would be a tug and pull between upright and upside down. It would be a year of healing from wounds, unlocking my own trauma, releasing, and coming to grips with post-partum anxiety and so much more. And I cannot wait to share it with you. And I cannot wait to unpack it from my heart. Please know that this series unlike my last won’t be filled with resources and guides and links. I honestly do not have much to say on that front. This will just be my own personal experience as I navigated from January 1st, 2022 to December 31st, 2022. I thank you for your time, and please share this with another birthing person. We need to feel less alone during postpartum. We need to share and feel seen and heard.
Part 1: Winter
The woes of chest feeding and surgery and what they don’t tell you.
Part 2: Spring
Attempting to get healthy and Post-partum Anxiety.
Part 3: Summer
The golden hour
Part 4: Fall
Rediscovering myself and feeling mom guilt
Part 5: One-year
The first birthday and reflections on my birthing anniversary
Part 6: what I learned
What I learned most about myself. Trust, perseverance and so much more.