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Learning to Balance the Hope and Despair

Mini reflection on May 4th, 2020.

Today was one of the best days I have had in quarantine. The loss I discussed in my last blog post has made everything harder. My efforts to remain positive take twice as much effort, and my energy and motivation to drive on in school and work become a burden and less of a passion as time goes on. I am a person who often receives energy from seeing people. I love the energy exchange I have between people who are like-minded and driven and positive and therefore, this time has been especially hard. I miss my mentors, and my friends and my sisters so so much. And therefore, today was an amazing day because it was a bright, and happy day among the rest with so much positive and fun energy.

Today I got special news that I will share in my next post. I also got to talk with my sister and celebrate her promotion at work. I'm also feeling incredibly inspired, and have been making plans for my staycation I have planned for this weekend. I'm so excited to give graduation gifts and mother day gifts, even though we can't all be together. And it has been just an amazing day. I wish every day in quarantine could be like today was, and that’s why I titled this post "Learning to Balance the Hope and Despair" because more often than not I feel the loss. I feel like most of America; anxious to get back to life before quarantine started; when I was in one of the best places of my life. I was happy and overwhelmed with everything that I had hoped would happen to me. So there have been many days where the loss and despair and anxiety overtakes me, and I think, 'when can we get back to life!'

But that's when the balancing comes in because as much as I hope to be back, I understand the importance of taking our time. You can not rush mother nature, you can not rush the process, and you can not knowingly put millions of people at risk. There is a process and policy for everything and all though my emotions are wanting to get back, my rational, scientific mind knows that it is an empty hope. It's not logical. It really truly is not and is not safe. And therefore, I balance. I perch on a balance beam, carefully holding onto to hope, and not trying to fall into the pits of despair. I clutch to my rational mind and try to control the emotions that say otherwise. And I do everything I can to soak in the days where I feel warmth, and happiness because they are the days that point to hope.

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